3 years ago – this week – we had a miscarriage.
We were so excited. This was our second baby – the one we had planned for – right on time, right on schedule. Luke was almost 2 so he would have been well on his way past 2 and a half when baby #2 came along, the perfect age for another baby! Or so we thought.
But God had other plans.
Plans we didn’t understand.
But His plan none-the-less.
His plan did not include a baby at that time for our family.
I was 5 weeks pregnant – hadn’t even been to see the doc yet when it became obvious that something was wrong. In an attempt to do anything we could we went to the doctor’s office. With that visit came a series of exams and blood work – followed by a follow-up exam and more blood work. And several days of what seemed like a really bad dream. But it wasn’t a dream, it was really happening.
We hadn’t even told our families. We wanted to surprise them. I had put together this really fun, cute little game for our family to play to let them know of our joyous news. It was a very exciting time to find out about a pregnancy as the planning and fun of the holiday season seemed to be increased with the joy of a new life.
Then we lost the baby. And it was weird cause we hadn’t told hardly anyone we were expecting – so now it was strange to tell them we had had a miscarriage. We didn’t say anything at the family gathering as we didn’t want to spoil the fun for everyone. We told our imitate families on Christmas Eve day or maybe the day before that.
Of course the love and support of our families and friends was overwhelming and I’m so thankful for them. There was lots of love and prayers.
It was an experience like none I’d ever experienced before. I’d lost other family members – Grandparents, an uncle even, but nothing like this. I mean how could one love a 5 week old baby so much to mourn like we did?? There was denial, hurt, anger, confusion, loss and in the end a peace like I couldn’t have known without the Holy Spirit in my life.
I didn’t understand why the Lord saw fit to take our baby home early. But I knew He had a plan for us, a plan to prosper us and not harm us, plans to give us hope and a future, Jeremiah 29:11 says as much. It was still hard and I didn’t understand it. And when the baby’s birthday arrived I mourned all over again.
For the next 2 years – each time when the date of the miscarriage rolled around or the date when the baby’s birthday might have been - I mourned. Each time (and several times in between) I wondered about my baby and what it would have been like? Was it a boy or a girl? Then I would pray and asked God why? Why did He take our baby home? And I asked how the baby was doing? And I asked Him to give my baby a hug from Mommy.
Sometimes it’s still hard. There are days (sometimes random and outta the blue days) – and still the day I miscarried – when I miss that baby, and am sad. And sometimes I take an extra minute or two to cry over the loss. But what I try to do now is remember that not only is my baby in heaven with the Father, but that at this time of year My Father lost His Son too and for me and you - that is reason to celebrate!
The fact that God loved me so much, that He sent his only Son to Earth to suffer for me is beyond what my human mind can understand. But regardless of my lack of understanding, I’m so thankful He did. And that He loves me so much and that no matter what comes along in life – He’s in control and He’s holding me in the palm of His hand.
May Jesus’ love for you be real this Christmas time!