Monday, May 11, 2009

Rainy Day Thoughts

It started out a crappy day. I know that sounds like complaining… and maybe it is… but if you’ll hang with me, I think it’ll get better.

Woke up early this morning – Luke was in our room at 6:30 wanting David to turn the TV on for him. Then Av was up unusually early – 7:00, so it was time to get going! But things took a downhill turn fast and due to bad attitudes and general crankiness time outs, loss of TV and a spanking had all been given by 7:45AM! Not a good start to the morning.

I went thru the rest of the day just kinda down (mostly weather related with a bit of hormones thrown in there! Or maybe it’s the other way around, I’m not really sure!) and really inadequate. Parenting some days is more than I think I can do. It’s the same stuff over and over and over, and I begin to wonder, “Does anyone hear me?” “What is wrong with my voice?” “Am I speaking Swahili?” And then on top of all that, yesterdays sermon by Pastor Don Miller at Westover, you can listen to it here, was amazing and very challenging so that’s been on my mind as well.

This afternoon at about 4PM I had a minute to sit down and do some internet surfin’. One of the things in yesterday’s service was a little chat between the pastor and the wife of the senior high youth pastor – her name is Emily. Well it turns out she has a blog… so I looked that up today. It’s really good (one of my first thoughts after reading her blog was, why on earth do I have a blog – I cannot write worth a crap – that just added to the feelings of inadequacy). Since I was new to the blog, I went back a few days – apparently she does this thing on Tuesdays about unwrapping life. It’s looking for the good and small in among the busy. So I read hers and then stared to read some of the links people had posted along with hers. In minutes I was crying (which I’d felt like doing most of the day)! Here were all these ladies of all ages dealing with things WORSE than hormones and disobedient 4 year olds. I was humbled and honestly kinda ashamed of the way I was feeling. I really and truly have it good – I’m blessed – beyond words – and yesterday was THE BEST Mother’s Day I’ve had since becoming a mom! So guilty was also something I was feeling. I hate guilt and often I work very hard to not feel guilty, because it’s an emotion you can do nothing about and nothing with unless you’re willing to actually DO something about whatever makes you feel guilty. But normally I don’t struggle with guilt. I have about 942 other issues, but guilt would usually be 943 on my list. Not today.

Here is what I think the Lord is trying to show me in all this – I need to, have to, am actually desperate to spend more time in the Word. I have no idea what I’m doing here – as a mom (and really as a wife) – I make it up day by day and that’s not good. I cannot see into the future, but I know one is coming and I need to be raising my kids so they know where they should go in the future. Proverbs is full of advice and guidelines for women – mothers, wives, and even friends.

I was getting up every morning at 6:15 to do my Beth Moore study, but when that was finished I got into the habit of sleeping in again. So I’m going to try and get back on track with getting up and getting into the Word. It’s a scary world out there, but I know that in the Bible there are promises that I can count on, I don’t have to “go it alone” God’s Word has everything in it I need! The communication and His willingness to help are only as far away as I put them.


Lukw & Avery's Nanny said...

First, I want to tell you how much I love you and what a blessing you are! God truly gave Dad and me boundless stuff when He gave us you--boundless smiles, boundless energy, boundless giggles, boundless stories (lol), boundless capacity to love...just to name a few.

Unfortunately, children don't come with an instruction manual attached to the wrist. At times it's a matter of throwing up your hands and saying "God, help me!"

I love your blogs!! YOU may not think you have anything to blog about, but I check your blog every day, because in your blogs are small pieces of your life and small pieces of the lives of my precious grandchildren. Many times my heart has been lightened by reading your blog! So you have issues with proper spelling--so what! You always manage to convey your thoughts! You have been blessed with so many other gifts, so don't let the spelling thing get to you.

You are such a beautiful woman, both inside and outside, and the evil one is using any means possible to make you doubt your worth and your self.

Do not doubt that you will provide your children with all they need to face their future!!! God's promise is for daily strength...not for 2 or 3 years down the road! There is no such thing as a perfect mother or a perfect wife. It's only in and through our Savior that we become perfect.

Again...I love you!!

Jessi said...

I hear ya, Hol, and feel the exact same many days! But I too try to force myself to see the good, and trust God, and keep on blogging! It keeps us all connected!

Praying the rest of your week is better! Love you!

Holly said...

Thanks Jess for the support... so nice to know I'm not alone and it is nice to be connected!

Mom - thank you so very much! What you said is what I needed to hear! When you're down nothing helps like the lovin' from Mom!! Thanks again! I do so love you!